"Ten more"

The Colgate Comedy Hour, Abbott and Costello

@12 months ago with 179 plays

A wobbly Missing Persons record purchased for $1

@1 year ago with 156 plays

Waitress in Maine doing animal sounds

@1 year ago with 175 plays

Saturday at Carlos’ house

October 20, 2012

Carlos’ parents’ kitchen. Stephanie, Ethan, Felicia, Julian, Carlos, Becca. Also Carlos’ brother, Antonio, and his girlfriend. Sitting around a long wood table with pink plastic cups of water, mismatched glasses of homemade whiskey drinks, and mugs of coffee scattered about. 

B: What? No, not at all. Woow, I wish I- I need that in my head, I need a visual calendar.

Carlos should open a coffee shop. He is so good at making coffee. And he like- who put out the spoons?

S: He did.

B: And the milk? And the sugar?

S: Mhm.

B: Toootally! Hehehe, yeah, totally.

(Carlos enters)

B: Carlooos- good job making coffee it’s amazing! 

C: Yeah?

B: Yeah.

Julian: Becca, when’s Antonio’s birthday? What’s his sign? (quizzing)

B: Uhh.. Scorpio.

A: No

B: Saggitarius

A: No How could you possibly know this? 

B: Libra?

A: No. Are you just gonna guess every sign?

B: Eventually I just may. Umm.. Aries?

A: (on phone) Yo where you at bros?

C: Process of elimination

J: What about Winston?

B: Noo! (to Stephanie) Do yoou know?

A: Winston is a sign.

C: I am the sign of Winston. 

B: He’s Cat. 

J: What was Winston’s sign when he was human?

B: Aww I love that question.

S: You get it frequently.

B: Noo, haha.

A: It’s always someone’s birthday.

B: (To Stephanie) Um, I’m at the podium with my goblet right now. 

S: Oh yeah, your goblet of red wine? On your little stool? But you have also a little side table to lean on- just a little bit, you know. And there’s even a lamp, right here.

(2:18)

B: What am I wearing? I feel like I’m wearing slinky, loose, high waisted black business pants.

S: Oh yeah, and a collared shirt that’s unbuttoned, with like, three buttons unbuttoned at the top. It’s like, almost too far- like, almost. 

B: In my mind, my spirit body is like Charlize Theron— I feel like I’m really tall and waifish, but I’m not at all.

S: Right. I don’t feel like I got the body I was supposed to. I feel like I’m supposed to be really tall, and dainty, but strong. 

B: I think you are pretty tall and dainty, at least that’s the type of body you exude, I feel like people exude a certain body type.

S: That’s true. But I also don’t see myself that way. Like recently Carlos told me I have an accent,

B: What?

S: and I would never think that I had an accent. It’s like, if I have an accent and didn’t know it, I also don’t think I’m as short as people think that I am. 

[Difficult to make out— but we discuss the experience of being called Mam, and being considered a woman by others. Cognitively dissonant because we still think of ourselves as girls, yet are perceived by total strangers as ladies, adults.]

S: Someone will refer to me as a woman or call me Mam, like, everywhere I go. 

B: I think it’s about your level of maturity….. Yeah, Bryan once brought that up, he called me a woman. And I was like, “What? You think I’m woman?”

S: Most people have no general grasp on how people see them. They really don’t. There’s nothing wrong with that. (indecipherable).. It’s just very, up in the air, it’s up for anyone to decide, you know.

B: …Yeah.. it’s sort of like finding someone whose perception of you somehow matches or validates some part of your identity you feel like being seen. 

[We talk about how Stephanie doesn’t like small talk- makes her anxious. Antonio interrupts].

A: I hate it. I hate small talk.

B: Wait, so what’s your sign then?

A: I hate trying to talk in loud music situations, someone’s like, “Hey how you doin!?!?” and you’re just like, “I’M GOOD!” and it’s just obnoxious, you don’t want to do that.

[We talk about Nathan going straight from small talk to deep talk very quickly, and the differences between Carlos’ approaches— Nathan, an analytical spiral; Carlos, personal sharing]

J: Becca when do you think James Clark’s birthday?

B: Stop it, I don’t know any of this shit. 

S: ____ dudes don’t have birthdays

B: i would guess Libra. 

S: He was born on a surfboard….

[Elisa walks in]

C: I think we’re done. There’ s no more pizza. Want some coffee?

E: No

S: There’s cucumbers?!

B: Yes, instead of this juicy, cheesy, sausagey pizza, how bout a cucumber?

S: I’m sorry!

(10:57)

[Antonio and his friend discuss returning to campus]

A: You going back tonight?

Friend: Yeah, I’m taking the last train in.

B: God, this makes me so happy to be 27. Going back to college, that was the worst. Do you guys like college?

(They nod yes)

B: Ugh, I think Suny Purchase might be like the best school of all time.

A: Really?

B: i should’ve gone there. Everyone’s soo industrious and have really concrete training. Like, people are creative but they still have a business sense, like Big Snow.

C: Yeah all the Big Snow guys went to Purchase.

B: Have you guys been to Big Snow?

A and friend: No

B: You guys are missing out on the coolest thing that ever came from your school. (A and friend talk to each other— B carries on) Ugh, seriously guys. They’re running their own music venue. It’s awesome.

S: Successfully, also.

B: So successfully. It’s the best place in the whole—

A: What’s it called?

B: Big Snow Buffalo Lodge- (to Carlos) have you not told him?

C: What? yeah

S: You think they talk to each other? (everyone laughs)

A: Wait what is the Big Snow Buffalo Lodge?

B: (in a voice) What’s the Big Snow Buffalo Lodge?

C: It’s just a, it’s just a music venue basically.

B: Julian! What are you doing right now you have to be defending Big Snow Buffalo Lodge

J: You’re doing a good job

B: No I need your help, you need to tell Antonio about it.

……………………(jokes about 285 Kent 13:15)

C: Actually I was pleasantly surprised…  I have to say, I woke up this morning, went to Manhattan, played a show, and now we’re here— like this has been a wonderful day (everyone erupts in laughter), this is not a bad way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

B: True true.

***

@1 year ago
#3 
Stopped by the Cops on the Way to Unity, Maine
Saturday, April 27, 2013

In the Van

Felicia (whispering): He’s drank so much. I mean he’s had a lot to drink, but…

Becca (whispering): Oh my god..

Felicia (whispering): You have to be like, wasted to not be able to do that.

Becca (whispering): I wouldn’t be able to do that right now.

Julian: Can he like, sub us out… Be like, we’re down.

Becca: Listen listen

Julian: What’s going on?

Becca: This guy’s like getting off.

Becca (whispering): Oh..

Felicia (whispering): He’s doing good.

Julian: Wait.. what’d we do wrong?

Felicia (whispering): There’s no one on the road.

Cop 1 (outside, to Carlos): Are you comfortable in those shoes, do you feel like you can walk in them?

Carlos: Most of the time

Cop 1: Most of the time? How bout tonight, do you feel like this is a relatively flat, dry area that you shouldn’t have any problems walking in?

Becca: (sigh)

[Carlos is being made to walk in a straight line backwards and forwards)

….

Felicia (whispering): I’d be so good at that

Ethan and Becca: (quiet laugh)

Becca (impassioned): This is really— he’s giving him choreography.

….[15 seconds go by. Becca sighs)…

[outside]

Cop 1: What do you do in the band? Do you sing, play guitar? Do you have any problems moving your hands at all?

Carlos: Well my left hand is a little weaker than my right…

[inside]

Ethan: (laughs)

Julian: What?

…[Becca sticks recorder through open middle window)

Julian: What are you doing? Becca…

Becca: Why can I not do that?

[knock on the window]

Cop 2 (outside): Roll down the window.

Becca: I can’t it’s automatic.

Cop 2: Well open the door. What are you poking out the window?

Becca: I just have an audio recorder.

Cop 2: Just keep in mind, when there are police out here, and you’re pointing something— we don’t know what it is 

Becca: Sorry, I know that it looks sort of weird, I’m sorry, it is hard to tell. 

Cop 2: ..that it can possibly look like a gun.

Becca: It’s definitely not a gun, I can assure you.

Cop 2: Ok.

Becca: Is it, what’s the problem here right now?

[walkie talkie blast]

Cop 2: He’s running the uh…[walkie talkie blast]

[car door slam. Carlos gets back in driver’s seat]

Cop 1 (to Carlos): You got that information I gave you?

Carlos: Yup.

Cop 2: He’s just making sure your friend’s safe to drive, basically.

Becca: Oh yes.

Cop 2: For one reason or another he had some kind of reasonable suspicion that he was impaired, and I don’t know what that was, I didn’t stop the vehicle, so. 

Becca: Okay.

Cop 2: I was behind you on Front Street when you guys stopped the vehicle and all your stuff almost fell out.

Becca: I know, that was—we were just talking about that. It’s a— you know when there’s like a group of people that, it’s big enough you figure someone will do this one task, that it’s large enough to kind of like, lose track. That’s all it was. Like, Why didn’t anyone close the back door? We don’t normally do that. 

Cop 2: I think he’s asking have you got another insurance card here. I’m gonna close the door. Have a good night.

Becca: Ok, you too.

[door slam].

Cop 1: Where are you guys heading tonight?

Carlos: tomorrow we’re driving on to Burlington.

Cop 1: Burlington. (Friendly) Alright, well just sit tight, I’ll be right back. You don’t have another insurance card?

Becca: What do you mean by insurance card, registration?

Cop 1: No, well… the insurance card.

Carlos: Wait Ethan, did you not just write my mom a check for insurance?

[Cop 1 chuckles]

Ethan: No, that’s separate from a proof of insurance.

Becca: Is it up here?

Carlos: No, that’s a parking ticket

Becca [laughs]: Maybe here.. (goes fishing in other pocket, pulling out In & Out Burger hat

Carlos: We pay the insurance every 6 months. It seems that this is expired, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.

Bop 1: It’s alright. Where are you looking for a motel?

Becca: Somewhere along 3 West. 

Cop 1: Just buckle up, drive safe, okay guys?

Becca:  [laughing] Long live Ava fuckin Lunaaa! You are a hero, a modern day hero, how did you do it? Oh my god. Proving the law wrong, day after DAY. They think they can fuckin, they think they can just assume? We’re fuckin good kids! Carlos! They made you do a fucking dance, there were like three series of choreography chapters. What happened to you out there? 

Felicia: drunk test, he was like yeah?

Becca: Did they give you a breathalator? 

Carlos:

Becca: That’s like, circusry. It’s insane. In the end they just realize, you’re just a weirdo. 

Becca: And he was like, how are your shoes?

Carlos: He did say that.

Becca: Can you walk in those shoes? Have you ever had any trouble walking in those shoes. 

Carlos: He said that.

Becca: Was he trying to like, make you insecure about how well you were doing, and like, flounder?

Carlos: Yeah.

Becca: God. What the hell? All we were was, we were out of towners, you know, we didn’t know where we were.

Felicia: Well, they saw us drive off. They were right behind us when we drove off with the back door open. And I shut them closed and then we sped off [Becca laughs] and drove into a parking lot.

[Everyone laughs]

Becca: You’re toootally right, that’s like the sketchiest thing you could see another person do.

Ethan: And then you stuck a fucking tape recorder out the window, Jesus Christ.

[Becca laughs]

Becca Kauffman.

Becca: I’m sorry.

Ethan: Fucking _____

Becca: He thought is was a gun.

Ethan: Police think everything is a gun.

Becca: True, but, I felt secure about it because, the one thing I know is that you’re allowed to, it’s completely within your rights to record police interaction. And as long, you know once he confirmed that it wasn’t a gun, it was perfectly legal for me to have this out.

Ethan: Oh yeah, I’m just saying in the immediate situation ___

Becca: I know. But that guy was sweet. We like, bonded. He opened the door, and he was like—they do this whole fucking tough act, and then they’re just like, bored guys at three in the morning looking for someone to talk to. They just like interacting with strangers. [to Carlos] Are you having your seizures again right now?

Carlos: Yeah.. I’m sorry.

Becca: No it’s— are you okay?

Carlos: Yeah

Becca: Just stressed? Talk it out.

Carlos: Yeah no, it’s fine

Becca: You really like went through a lot just now. Tell us everything. Were you scared? 

Carlos: Apparently so. I realize now. 

Felicia: What’d you have, like four beers? Five?

Carlos: Yeah. 

Julian: I have to, I just have to find.. a plastic bag.

Becca: You gotta pee? Puke?

Carlos: I’ll pull over.

Becca: Yeah pull over.

Julian: No no no, don’t pull over, just keep going.

Becca: No, pull over.

Julian: Don’t pull over, just keep going. I’m telling you not to pull over.

Felicia: I think there was a black plastic bag…

Julian: Don’t pull over! I said, don’t pull over.

Carlos: Just for a second.

Julian: No, I can’t. Don’t stop!

Becca: They’re not here anymore though, they’re not behind us at all.

Julian:

Becca: Okay. Lots of options. Are you okay? You’re like, jerking around?

Carlos:

Becca:

[Fleetwood Mac tape starts]

Carlos: That was actually kind of fun.

Becca: President’s Choice.

Carlos: a kind of test.

Becca: I love, it, they think it’s a, they secretly just want things to be a gun, they just want some action. You know? It’s so false. They put their, they put their, they put their __ til the end, basically.

Carlos: It was expired.

[Carlos twiching]

Becca: He was sweet, he like, realized we were just a couple of… human beings. [To Carlos] Do you want to stop for a sec? You’re so worked up!

Carlos: I know!

Becca: I feel like I need to rub your back or something.

Carlos: I don’t, I’m not, I’m trying to not make it a big deal…

Becca: No, you didn’t really get a chance to unwind from that.. Do you want to stop?

Carlos: No, it’s okay.

Becca: Okay. Do you want me to find some water for you?

Julian:

Carlos: Yeah. If I see a place. 

[Fleetwood Mac plays]

Becca: (reading sign) Day Old Chicks? It’s funny how, in that context, day old is supposed to be a good thing, but generally you associate it with like, a caveat. Like day old, day old bread. They’re really just trying to say, Fresh, Fresh Animals.  […] Alright Carlos, pull over in a driveway. Something like this, like a business, you know?

Carlos: Well I was just gonna wait for like a gas station.

Becca: I don’t think Julian has that kind of time.

Carlos: Alright.

Julian: Just keep going

Carlos:

Becca:

Julian: I-I-I—I need nothing…

Carlos:

Julian: I feel like I’m just gonna puke.

Becca: Ohh, Julian and the Belgian Beer trials.

Carlos: I remember that.

[drums kick in]

Carlos: Oh yeah, this song.

Becca: This song is incredible.

Carlos:

Becca: Oh my god it was so funny sharing a mic with you today. I’ve like, never been closer to your face! You were spitting all over me and stuff

[Carlos laughs]

And I just came to realize—- OH right here right here right here.

Carlos: Ok ok ok ok. Woooah! (slowing down to turn)

Becca: You can even go in after this thing here. Ok… It’s a closed gas station, perfect.

Carlos: Yeah you can go anywhere you want.

Becca: Step outside, brotha, do your thang. I have to pee, but.. I’m not going to. [To Carlos] Do you want to take a walk around the car, just like, shake it out? What happened?

Carlos: It was nothing, I mean it was, it was, it was pretty intense. They were like, strict, they were like, like Okay. They were like, Okay. The most difficult thing was walking in the straight line. They were like, you have to count by thousands and put your foot in front in front of the other foot and do it nine times and then turn around slowly. It was like, I was, like…

Becca: Some people can’t even do that regularly, you know? That’s like…

Carlos: It’s like a lot of pressure, you know, like

Becca: They’re setting you up for failure. So..

Carlos: It’s intense. But I don’t know, I decided to just like, roll with it. And like, by the end I was just like, laughing.

Becca: And then he was like, so what do you do, sing, play guitar? How did he know that? He’s like a psychic.

Carlos: Yeah, I don’t know. And by the end it was okay, I guess.

Becca: When did he start to loosen up?

Carlos: Like right at the end.

Becca: When he realized that it was for naught?

Carlos: I suppose. I mean it was, the thing is, it’s like a subjective test, there were no, there was not— he didn’t explain what was passing or what was failing. He could just decide that I’m too drunk right now. It’s in his power. That’s the scariest part.

[15:14]

Becca: Yeah. He needed like, enough requirements to check off in his like, manual.

Carlos: Yeah, so I was like, There’s like a decent chance I’m gonna do whatever, and be fine, and there’s also just a small chance I’m gonna go to jail, right now. [laughs] 

Becca: Yeah. It’s sort of like 50/50. It really depends on the officer, which is such the— lame part about law enforcement.

Carlos: So anyway, that was- it’s fine, I’m just, I’m sorry for shaking a little… it was nerve racking.

Becca: I can imagine.

Carlos: I hope Julian’s okay.

Becca: I’m gonna let Bryan know… that Julian’s puking. I think he’s like sleeping peacefully, but I keep like, sending him these updates.

Julian (entering van): I’m having the worst night. That was the worst. 

Becca: Are you ok?

Julian: Yeah… I fucking killed it.

Becca: Make sure it’s not the cops behind us again.

Carlos: They’ve got their brights on.

Becca: It’s probably them.

Felicia: It’s the cops again! (laughs)

Julian: They can DNA sample my fucking…puke…fuck. I don’t know, I don’t know where my, Iiii….ugghhh.

(Silence)

Becca (clears throat): So we’re just driving… He was saying the closest thing would be in Augusta. Do you feel okay to drive for 45 minutes, I mean, that’s signifcant.

Carlos: Yeah.

Becca: Ok. (sings Fleetwood Mac guitar solo) People here are so weird.

Carlos: This is a weird part of the world.

Becca: Yeah. It really is. Probably what we’ll do is, go all the way to 95? And then take….95 a couple miles into Augusta and look for something around Augusta. Sound good?

Carlos: Sounds good. Just tell me the directions.

Becca: Yeah. You’re just staying on this for another … 38 miles, and then taking the ramp onto 95 South, so I’m sure we’ll see big signs, but. Do you want me to turn on the navigator?

Carlos: No, I guess I’ll just, you can tell me. (5 seconds) Wooooah, look at this flag, huuuh!

Becca: Be careful.

Felicia: Oh my god, crazy.

Carlos: Unbelievable.

Becca: God remember that crazy fog mountain you drove through? That was intense. Trucks were piulled over, like they couldn’t go anywhere.

Carlos: Where, it was like between LA and San Francisco?

Becca: I can’t figure out where we were.

Carlos: Let’s change the tape.

Julian: Nooooooo!

Carlos: I must’ve heard that album like …. 

Julian: Don’t change the tape!

Carlos: …sixteen times.

Becca: Alright I’m gonna… it’s hard to find tapes around here though. (listing findings) Tom Petty… Tom Petty… Um, Lyle Lovet—Lene Lovich!Oh my god…No!…

Carlos: I wish we had a different tape..

Becca: I want Tusk. (digging through tapes). Buncha lame-o’s. Fuck-in lame-o’s…. Can you put on the heat real quick? 

Carlos: Which one?

Becca: Top on to the right. Yeah.

(Lene Lovich starts. “I don’t want your car, I don’t want your reflection)

Becca: I love that. I love the girl with the guy gang vocals. It’s such an 80’s thing. It’s very sexy.

Carlos: It’s cool.

Becca: It’s like the reverse of a girl group. Or like a, cause girls are always back up singers, with a male lead. I would know (laughs). But it’s so radical to reverse it. 

Carlos: Yeah. 

Becca: I mean temporarily, you know?

Carlos: Let’s do it. That’s what we did with Crystal Pumpkin.

Becca: Yeah, and that’s what I love about it.

Carlos: And Israelites.

Becca: Mhm.

[21:38]

Julian: (moans) Ahhh…

Becca: You alright?

Julian: (mumbles something)

Becca: You drank lots of beer with high percentages.

[Silence 21:48-22:00]

Becca: Say something if you wanna stop again. Tell us?

Julian: Yeah

Becca: Okay. You want to?

Julian: (mumbles)

Becca: Ok. Let us know.

[Lene Lovich plays. 22:23-23:27 Fades out. Track 2 starts 23:37-24:04]

Becca: (laughs to self). Song is bizarre.

Carlos: Yeah.

[24:26-32]

Becca: Oh my god, that seal thing? It’s just like what we did in Crystal Pumpkin.

Carlos: Seal thing?

Becca: That “ah ah ah ah”

Carlos: Oh yeah

Becca: With the, dolphins

Carlos: That’s cool.

Becca: I ____ Talking Heads __ [25:07]…. So we sold like, 4 records, 2 CDs, and 2 EPs. It was like an Ithaca vibe, you know.

Carlos: Yeah, ___ [25:37]

Becca: Yeah.

(Minute of silence, with Lene in background)

Carlos: It’s pretty hot.

Becca: You’re hot? I think it’s really cold in here. 

Carlos: You do?

Becca: Just blast it for a second until it gets to be too much.

Julian: ______

Becca: You wanna stop again?

Julian: ____

Carlos: I’ll stop again.

Julian: Don’t do it, I don’t wanna stop.

Becca: No we wanna stop, there’s nowhere else to…

Carlos: It’s better, it’s better to just stop and just take your time.

Becca: There are places we can pull over, it’s totally fine.

Carlos: Like right here, like check it out, you got the woods like right there.

Julian: No, I don’t want..

Becca: No this is good.

Carlos: Yeah there’s like, unlimited space.

Julian: (mumbling, getting out of car) Is that a cop light?

Becca: What?

Julian: A cop?

Becca: What? No.

(door slams)

Becca: (laughs). Oh nooo.. Is he gonna do it? He’s taking a spirit walk. Oh, is he really coming back?… Aww, poor Julian. He’s just standing there, waiting for it to come. I think I’ll get out and pee.

Part 2: “Julian about to Vomit after Cops in Maine”

Becca: Do you see a big bottle of Poland Springs water, right in the back where you are? It might have been on the floor, like on the edge somewhere? Mmm. 

Becca: Ooh… Feel better? I have a little bit of water for you if you want it. You want, to stay out here?

Julian: I could stay out here forever. 

Becca: (laughs)

Julian: Start a new life out here in the woods. 

Becca: Just let us know, we have an open road, any time you feel sick we can pull over whenever. Oh, that’s the stuff. Heat’s comin out gooood. Been cold all. night.

Julian: ___? 1:39

Becca: Okay. Which seat, behind Carlos?

Julian: __

Becca: okay, I’ll remember. Man, 3 West. No man’s land. There’s like nothing interesting to look at.

Carlos: It’s hot.

Becca: Alright alright. I hate when we go away and it’s just cold everywhere. You’re really getting off the road here.

Carlos: I’m still waiting for a season where it’s not disgustingly cold all the time.

Becca: I know.

Carlos: Like why has that still not happened yet? It’s like the end of April. I’m still wearing my winter coat and a sweater right now, and it’s almost May. I don’t like this.

Becca: Yeah.

Carlos: We should’ve been long used to our new wardrobes by now. It’s fucked up.

Becca: Did __ just sleep in the van?

Carlos: What?

(inaudible)

End

@1 year ago
#1 

A poem

Ok. Goodnight.

Ok. Goodnight

Okay, goodnight.

Okay, goodnight

Ok, goodnight

Ok, goodnight.

@1 year ago

Chimes in the Atlanta music shop

@1 year ago with 99 plays

J Department Stores

@1 year ago with 90 plays
#harlem 

Late at night in Jamaica Plain

February 3, 2013

Krill mansion

J: Aaron says his soul fabric is buttons.

B: Greg said velcro. And I was like, Oh my goooooddd! You are so velcro.

(laughter)

Rachel: Was he a particular side of the velcro or was he just all of it?

B: I think that they both do the same thing.

(Rachel, Aaron, Jonah) No, no

R: No, one is the receiver and the other is the one being received

B: I imagine the receiver 

R: It’s like, okay

A: It’s like the soft patch

B: and then the harder toothy one

R: you know how velcro was invented? (tells story of man in the woods with burrs and a sweater)

A: Last night at the show they had the news on, and I turned to the side, and they just had this headline? “Dog Pulls Trigger.”

B: I saw that, but then Mitt Romney was on tv and I was so confused! It was on Fox, though, right?

J: Was he involved?

R: What’s happening?

A: A dog shot someone

B: It was like a real met- a literary metaphor—

A: And then right there they immediately showed pictures of Romney (laughs).

B: It says “Dog Pulls Trigger” so you’re thinking like, a German Shepard was trained by an ex-cop to shoot a gun or something! So I’m like— What is that? Another brownie?

(laughter, commotion)

[Jonah is on the other side of the kitchen island with a brown square in his hand]

H/J: It’s a brownie! 

H: That’s orange peel

B: OH! I saw it sticking up like that and I thought it was gooey caramel and I was like, you’re eating a big fat Snickers bar right now, that’s so weird.

J: It’s like Brownie Town over here, what else would it be

B: It’s Brownie Townie

A: (to B) Dude, I was thinking that dog was like, I was thinking the owner was abusing it, you know, 

B: (to A) It was like [holds up fake gun], “Bow wow wow.” 

A: and it was like one last thing

B: (to rest of group, who are holding their own conversation about it) And then there were pictures of Mitt Romney getting interviewed, haha, in a chair. It was on mute so you couldn’t make the connection in the story between the words and the images.

A: Maybe Romney was involved in the shooting

B: Maybe he was a random witness and he just happened to be Mitt Romney

A: “I did see the dog shoot the man”

(they laugh)

B: Or maybe it was another hunting accident?

A: Right. Yeah. That was…

B: trash.

A: We had just finished talking about this, that’s why it’s weird, because- we have a book club, and we just read this article about how there’s been a serious increase in animal violence towards humans in the last several years.

B: Oh like that crazy ape story?

A: What crazy ape story?

B: Crazy Apes! It’s time to play, Crazy Apes. Which ape will it be?

On this episode of, Crazy Apes:

In a world…where pets eat their owners for breakfast

Well, you’ve gotta read the article. But basically, it was a feature in New York Magazine maybe a year and a half ago. Ooph. So this lower middle class, white woman who wound up adopting this like, chimp, or something.

A: And he ate her face?

B: Well, it’s this whole long story, a couple tragedies befell her, her husband died, and her son died or something, and she wound up in this deep depression and brought this chimp or whatever it is, an ape, I don’t know, it really was this whole monkey thing, 

A: [laughs] It was at term

B: [laughs] Yeah, it was at term. And she pulled the ape into this deep depression with her. And eventually he started having these angsty, rageful fits, because he was like supposed to be in the wild, and he was being so suppressed, and depressed. And I think basically she had a friend come over one day, and he went into one of these rages and 

J: Bit her face off?

B: Yeah.

A: I definitely remember hearing about that, but I didn’t know she had raised him to be so codependent [laughing]. The image of them just, watching tv in the living room.

B: He’s like a living stuffed animal.

A: With rages.

B: I think in any scenario where a stuffed animal comes to life, they always have this sort of, “Reeer reer reer” (deranged sound)

A (laughs)

B: Maybe I’m just thinking of Chuckie. But it’s weird, man!

….

(singing, to the tune of It’s so cold in the D): The apes ate my face, how’s I s’posed to get it replaced?

(Jonah looks at her, they laugh)

R: What about all those people on bath salts?

B: A lot of people eat faces on bath salts

A: Oh really, they’re just like, “Let’s eat face”?

H: The guy who ate his mother’s face was on the drug we’re on. 

A: You guys can eat my face

B: Wouldn’t it be funny if some people just got stoned and were like, Dude, wouldn’t it be funny if we ate someone’s face? And someone else was like, You can eat my face.

J: I saw an interview with that woman without a face.

B: Really? What was it like? Tell me, don’t show me, I don’t want to see it

R: Well have you seen the Driver’s Ed pizza face?

J: Oh don’t talk about it.

*******

…(impaled person procedure)…

R: The dad from Growing Pains..

B: Oh… Alan…..Thicke?

(Jonah and Aaron laugh)

A: “Thicke?”

B: It’s totally Alan Thicke! haha.

***

At some point, Colby puts music on.

B: What’s this?

C: The Fucking Pleasure. It’s Lou Barlow’s old band after Sebadoh.

B: Oh cool, I loove Lou Barlow! What a good discovery.

Later I go to look it up, and nothing. Turns out he said, “Folk Implosion.” Makes sense.

***

B: These people’s lives are so fucked.

C: Who?

B: Jodi Sweetin, she was Stephanie on Full House. She became a meth head.

J: Oh yeah I knew that.

B: And then eventually she had a kid, which inspired her to get clean, by the way, and then she came out in the press as being sober but she really wasn’t yet because she wanted to jumpstart her career and get more work. She was like the OG Lindsay Lohan of the 90’s.

J: Dude, if she had lived that life backwards, she would’ve been successful.

B: She what?

J: If her life was backwards she would be impressive.

Everyone: yeah, exactly, mhm

B: They all had pretty good careers. Well except Jodi Sweetin. She wrote a book called Unsweetined, about her recovery. 

C: What’s it called?

B: Unsweetined. Her last name is Sweetin.

J: But that’s like…

C: She’s losing herself.

R: Well, she’s like, peeling back all the layers.

J: I guess

B: Totally. It’s a tell all.

R: Unsweetened, 

H: it’s like there’s nothing added

B: yeah

H: There’s nothing…

B: enhanced

H: yeah

B: Artificial.

C: Unsweetened implies that she’s removed herself from her story.

R: What about Kimmy… Gibler?

B: Andrea Barber. She didn’t do anything, she just completely pulled out, went to Wheaton College or something and studied literature and women’s studies, and then got married and had a family and just never did anything again. 

***

@1 year ago
#2